Justice

This is a very long post. But more than that, it's a deeply personal post.

Three months ago today my very best friend (my childhood confidant, my pseudo sister) and her partner suffered the most devastating moment of their life. It's taken me three months to write this post. Three months of pondering, reflecting, and grieving. I'm ready now. I'm ready to share Justice's story with you.

Amy has been my best friend since the sixth grade, more than 20 years. That's a lot of history between two people. Growing up we were actually more like sisters. As we entered adulthood we weren't always close but were always a part of each others life, whether we went one day or three months without talking. For the past 10+ years we've been very close. Amy and her partner Trish, of close to 15 years, and Shelly and I, have spent a lot of good times together and have been there for each other through a lot of emotional and scary times as well. This moment of our lives is almost unimaginable.

About four years ago a lot of our friends decided it was time to start having children. Not the four of us. We had no desire. We were meant to spend our days traveling the world and spending long weekends camping and boating. That quickly changed with the birth of our God Daughter Tate. Shelly and I fell so head over heels in love with her that we new we wanted a child of our own. Trish and Amy also got hit with the parenting bug and in December of this past year, 2007, they notified us that they were in fact pregnant.

I was in SHOCK! They had kept this to themselves. At first I didn't believe them. I called Amy a big fat liar. Told her to quit teasing me. But then, it sunk in. THEY WERE PREGNANT! Anger quickly set in. How could she keep this from me? We don't keep anything from each other. But that quickly faded and led to pure joy and excitement. We were going to raise our children together!!! I imagined the hours we'd spend with the kids camping, boating, and just hanging out. And most importantly, I knew in the deepest part of my soul what wonderful parents they were going to be.

A few months later more good news was shared. They were having a boy!!! His name would be Justice John. Riley was going to have a boyfriend!!!

During their 20 week fetal well being check-up there was an initial scare where one of her tests came back high and there was a concern about the baby's health. They spent a couple of weeks scared and worried but after further tests they ruled out the initial test. Everything looked good except Amy had Placenta Previa. The doctors told them not to worry. It's not uncommon. Everything should be fine. They'll just need to watch her closely for bleeding and will most likely need to deliver Justice via c-section.

At the end of March Amy started bleeding. She spent a few days in the hospital before being discharged and told she would need to be on bed rest for the remainder of her pregnancy (4 months). She was 21 weeks pregnant at the time.

Trish and Amy were beside themselves. They were scared. What did this all mean? Was she really going to be okay?

Amy's a nurse so her stay in the hospital was interesting to say the least. Every test, every exam, was closely scrutinized by her. She would ask a million questions over and over again. But everyone remained optimistic. You'll be okay. Four months of bed rest and then you'll meet your son. But Amy was still down and discouraged. No amount of optimism seemed to settle her fears. Trish was doing her best to keep Amy's spirits up while also working, taking care of the dogs, and doting on Amy. Amy's activity included bathroom breaks, quick showers, and the short walk from the bed to the couch.

During this time people stepped up. They brought lunches and dinners. They went to visit Amy when Trish was at work. I did my best to spend time with her but the same week Amy started bleeding Shelly had back surgery. Shelly spent three days in the hospital and was then sentenced to 30 days of bed rest. I had my hands full trying to be a full time Mom, while still working full-time, taking care of Shelly, and now wanting to help take care of Amy.

Five days after her release from the hospital Amy started bleeding again. I got the call in the middle of the night. They were headed back to the hospital. This was my second call from them in the middle of the night. Calls in the middle of the night aren't good. You know it before you even say hello.

This time they kept her in the hospital and told her should would remain there for the remainder of her pregnancy. She was 22 weeks pregnant.

A few days later (23 weeks and 1 day) Amy started bleeding again. The hospital decided they would need to transfer her to the Univ.ersity of Utah hospital because after several episodes of bleeding she was now at risk for continued bleeding and possible hemorrhaging. She needed to be in a hospital that provided that type of care. Additionally, Justice was not yet viable but was getting closer to the point where they could take measures to save his life. 24 weeks is the earliest a baby is viable. He needed to be in a hospital that could provide care for him as well.

Early in the morning of April 7 the phone rang again. Another call that jolted me out of bed. I knew before I answered who it would be and that it couldn't good.

Amy was bleeding again. This time it was very serious. She was hemorrhaging and losing an extreme amount of blood. I could hear the fear in her voice. She said she thought they might be taking her into emergency surgery. She didn't know for sure. She asked if I could please come up to the hospital. She wanted me there for Trish in case something happened to her. She was 23 weeks and 3 days pregnant.

I quickly dressed and headed to the hospital. About a 30 minute drive. I expected to arrive and go right to Amy's room to see they were monitoring her bleeding but it was slowing down again. I expected her to be okay. I prayed the entire drive. Please let her be okay. Please let Justice be okay.

I arrived at the hospital and Amy's room was empty. I went to the nurses station and asked to see her. They said she wasn't seeing visitors yet and that if I waited in the waiting room they would come and get me as soon as she was ready.

I sat there for 10-15 minutes. Not knowing what was happening. Was she okay? Were they just stabilizing her? The minutes ticked away slowly. Then a nurse came and said, "Dee, Trish and Amy would like you to come meet their son."

My heart sunk.

It happened.

It's over.

From the time I got the call, to the time I was being walked back to Amy's room, it had been less than 45 minutes. 45 short minutes and the world was a different place.

My mind was trying to grasp what the nurse had just said, "their son". Justice was here. What had happened? Is Amy okay? The walk to her room took forever. I felt like I was walking in a tunnel. Every sound was dulled. Every light bright. I entered their room to find Trish holding a little precious bundle while Amy lay in the bed trying to fully come to from the anesthetic.

It was over. In order to save Amy's life they had to do an emergency C-section. Once they delivered Justice they quickly worked to save Amy's life. As they removed her placenta it came apart in pieces. Her placenta had all but disintegrated. In that short 45 minutes it took me to drive to the hospital Amy lost almost 2 1/2 liters of blood.

It all happened so fast. They had her in and out of surgery before Trish got there. Before I got there.

I walked through the door and tried to drink it all in. Amy was okay. Justice was here. Way to early, but he was here. Trish asked if I'd like to see him, to hold him. I didn't know. What would a 23 week old baby look like. But the fear quickly left when I saw his face. He was beautiful! He was perfect! He looked just like Amy. He had her cleft chin. But he was tiny. He was just 1 lb 3 oz and 12 1/2 inches long.

They had already made the decision that they would not make efforts to save him unless he was at least 24 weeks and had been able to give him the steroid shot in utero to help his lungs develop. This was it. This was our time with Justice. The only time. A short, short, amount of time.

Justice lived for just over two hours. Trish and Amy spent that time holding and loving their precious miracle. I was so very fortunate to share in that time with them. For the most part I stayed in the background and let them have the time alone with him. I tried to help by making phone calls to family so that they could just focus every second of their time with their little boy.

Justice made his arrival at 1:09 am on the morning of April 7th. He left this world at 3:19. He was on this earth for a very short time but had a major impact on so many of us.

I'll never forget holding him. I was so scared. But there was nothing to be afraid of. He was just a beautiful little boy. I looked into his tiny face and saw my best friend. She was there in him. He had her nose, her dimple, her face.

That was three months ago today. Three months have passed since Justice came and went. Three months that we've all grieved. Three months of intense pain for Trish and Amy. They're getting by. They're moving on. They're adjusting to a life they never thought they'd know. Every day, week and month they get stronger.

This also marks the point where we would be meeting Justice for the first time had the pregnancy remained viable. It's all a little hard to swallow some times. I don't know how one could survive this. But they're doing it. They turned to each other. They've grown together. They're making it. I respect the courage and the strength they've shown in the past few months.

Today my heart aches again for Justice, for Amy, for Trish. I believe things happen for a reason. I believe Justice chose Trish and Amy for a reason. A reason we might not know or understand, but he knew, he knew they were his forever parents.

There are so many wishes in all of this to. I wish my friends never had to survive the pain of losing a child. I wish Justice was here with us. I wish Riley had known Justice. I wish Trish and Amy had the joy of raising their son. But life takes unexpected turns. We don't know why. But we're left dealing with what is handed to us. I love you Trish and Amy. And I love you Justice.

Shortly after Justice was born the hospital said they had a service called "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep". It's a non-profit organization that does infant bereavement photography. Trish and Amy's first reaction was no. We don't want pictures. But then it sunk in. This is the only chance they have of pictures with their son. They decided yes, they'd like them to take pictures of their family and their son. The company did an AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL job! I know Trish and Amy look at these photos every day. Luckily they chose to have the pictures taken. They now have beautiful photos to help remember their son and will always have a picture of their family.

With permission of Trish and Amy I share Justice, and their forever family with you.